No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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