The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
