I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
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He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
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this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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