I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
