I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
