I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
