He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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