got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
