i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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