her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
