Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
