Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
