we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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