Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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