Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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