So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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