White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
