Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
