i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
