When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
