I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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