I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
