She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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