By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
