An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
