I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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