3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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