There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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