it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
