you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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