I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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