Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
