my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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