Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
