I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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