my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
