just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
