No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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