My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
