is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
