He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
