do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
