based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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