We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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