Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
