i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
