i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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