Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
