I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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