I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
