Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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