never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
