I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
