I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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