just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
