I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
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I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
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I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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