i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I didn't notice because vodka
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
